The official, first week of mourning is now over. I am not yet ready to write about Philip, but I will share some of my thoughts about mourning. The mourning for us began a long time ago and has continued in small increments over the years. The first day that Philip’s tumor was diagnosed, there was a piece of us that was completely changed. We knew that total recovery from health issues was not to be. At that time, we began by living each day not knowing how many days we would have together. There would be many ups and downs, many good days, and many setbacks were also a part of our lives. We did our best to face each challenge with straight forward optimism. It was very important that we become well educated and well informed. It became very clear that the more we knew, the more choices we had, and the better chonces Philip would have.
Mourning is not the same as living, in that you are not able to take one day at a time, and move forward from one step to the next. There seem to be many levels of mourning coming at you at once. My strong belief in G-d gives me a strong belief in the continuation of the life of the soul. I feel very sure that Philip was given every chance possible. Everything that could have been done for him was done. I am absolutely sure he is in a better place free from medical issues. I clearly feel that since he walked on this earth, and because of his presence, it is a better place for the rest of us. Yet, in me, there are moments of deep deep despair. I miss Philip so much that every inch of my body hurts. I question myself, the decisions that were made. Could we have done more? Was there anything that we should have done differently? I cry and I recover. I seem to be saddest when I am alone. Yet, I feel him all around me and know that my weeping is really very selfish.